AN APTITUDE TEST FOR REVIEWERS

by
David Lubar

So you want to join the ranks of the elite folks who write for Carcass Reviews? Though much of our work is done by in-house staff, we're always in search of out-house talent. However, while we applaud your enthusiasm, you must realize that reviewing for such a vastly over-priced and under-qualified journal requires unique skills, and not everyone can meet our standards. The first step is to take this simple aptitude test.

1. Before writing a review, it is essential that the reviewer

(A) carefully read the entire book
(B) skim the book, or at least most of it
(C) carefully read the entire book jacket
(D) skim the jacket, or at least most if it
(E) kill a kitten with his bare hands

2. It is important to get the main character's name right in the review because

(A) any factual error, no matter how insignificant, casts doubt on the quality of the entire review
(B) some of the stuff should be right, and this is one of the easier things to check
(C) if the author complains about the review, we can at least say, "Hey, what's your problem? We got the main character's name right."
(D) if every fact is wrong, the readers might not pay as much attention to the scathing barbs and witty put downs
(E) What's a main character?

3. C. S. Lewis said, "Many reviews are useless because, while proporting to condemn the book, they only reveal the reviewer's dislike of the kind to which it belongs. Let bad tragedies be censured by those who love tragedy, and bad detective stories by those who love detective stories. Then we shall learn their real faults." How do you respond to this?

(A) He makes a valid point which every reviewer should take to heart when dealing with genre fiction.
(B) There are different kinds of books?
(C) Lewis? I've heard of him. Did you know the French think he's a genius?
(D) What would be the fun in reviewing a book I didn't dislike?
(E) Wow—that's a lot to read. I sort of got lost. Mind if I just skip this question?

4. Society in general and the reading public in particular is well served by negative reviews because

(A) reading time is precious and nobody should waste time reading something that isn't well written
(B) it's fun to be cruel
(C) it's really fun to be cruel
(D) honest, there's just something so cool about tearing down someone else's writing, especially when you can't really do it yourself
(E) I didn't quite follow that question, either

That's it. Mark your answers and mail them to us, along with a check for $440. We'll get back to you with either good news, or a scathing and demeaning review of your answers. Anonymously, of course.

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